Getting jokes in e-mail is one of those facts of Internet life. The following is a collection of the best jokes I've received.
Check out my Bumper Stickers collection too.
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
Results of a computerized survey indicates that the perfect pastor (henceforth PP)
preaches exactly fifteen minutes. PP condemns sin, but never upsets anyone. PP works from
8 am to midnight; pp is also the janitor. PP is a great family person and spends quality
time with the pk's. PP makes $60.00/week, wears nice clothes, buys good books, drives a
good car, and gives about $50.00/week to the church.
PP is 28years old and has been preaching for 30 years.
PP is wonderfully gentle and attractive looking. PP has a burning desire to work with the
teenagers and spends all of his time with the senior citizens.
PP smiles all of the time with a straight face because PP has a sense of humor that keeps
PP seriously dedicated to the task. PP makes fifteen calls a day on parish families,
shut-ins, and the hospitalized; spends all of PP's time evangelizing the unchurched, and is
always in the office when needed.
If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other parishes that are
tired of their pastor, too. Then bundle up your pastor and send your pastor to the church
at the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 pastors...one of them should
be perfect.
Have faith in this letter.
One parish broke the chain and got its old pastor back in less than three months.
Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his father to fork over his farthings. Fast he flew to foreign fields and frittered his family's fortune, feasting fabulously with floozies and faithless friends.
Flooded with flattery he financed a full-fledged fling of "funny foam" and fast food. Fleeced by his fellows in folly, facing famine, and feeling faintly fuzzy, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy foreign farmyard. Feeling frail and fairly famished, he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments.
"Fooey," he figured, "my father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, facing the facts. Finally, frustrated from failure and filled with foreboding (but following his feelings) he fled from the filthy foreign farmyard. Faraway, the father focused on the fretful familiar form in the field and flew to him and fondly flung his forearms around the fatigued fugitive. Falling at his father's feet, the fugitive floundered forlornly, "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor."
Finally, the faithful Father, forbidding and forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast. Faithfully, the father's first-born was in a fertile field fixing fences while father and fugitive were feeling festive. The foreman felt fantastic as he flashed the fortunate news of a familiar family face that had forsaken fatal foolishness.
Forty-four feet from the farmhouse the first-born found a farmhand fixing a fatling. Frowning and finding fault, he found father and fumed, "Floozies and foam from frittered family funds and you fix a feast following the fugitive's folderol"? The first-born's fury flashed, but fussing was futile. The frugal first-born felt it was fitting to feel "favored" for his faithfulness and fidelity to family, father, and farm. In foolhardy fashion, he faulted the father for failing to furnish a fatling and feast for his friends. His folly was not in feeling fit for feast and fatling for friends; rather his flaw was in his feeling about the fairness of the festival for the found fugitive.
His fundamental fallacy was a fixation on favoritism, not forgiveness. Any focus on feeling "favored" will fester and friction will force the frayed facade to fall. Frankly, the father felt the frigid first-born's frugality of forgiveness was formidable and frightful. But the father's former faithful fortitude and fearless forbearance to forgive both fugitive and first-born flourishes.
The farsighted father figured, "Such fidelity is fine, but what forbids
fervent festivity for the fugitive that is found? Unfurl the flags and finery, let
fun and frolic freely flow. Former failure is forgotten, folly is forsaken.
Forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortune."
Four facets of the father's fathomless fondness for faltering fugitives are:
1) Forgiveness
2) Forever faithful friendship
3) Fadeless love, and
4) A facility for forgetting flaws
Gods Rest Ye Unitarians
(sung to the theme of "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen")
Gods rest ye, Unitarians, let nothing you dismay;
Remember there's no evidence there was a Christmas Day;
When Christ was born is just not known, no matter what they say,
O tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.
Our current Christmas customs came from Persia and from Greece,
From solstice celebrations of the ancient Middle East.
This whole darn Christmas spiel is just another pagan feast,
O tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.
There was no star of Bethlehem, there was no angels' song;
There could not have been wise men for the trip would take too long.
The stories in the Bible are historically wrong,
O tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact!
"Brussels police department, how may I
assist you?"
"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."
"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"
"No"
"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records.
Your name?"
"Bill Gates"
"Country?"
"The USA"
"Native language?"
"English"
"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number
the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"
"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted
me while another hit me with a cream pie."
"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie.
Are you sure it was a cream pie?"
"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I
really don't think it was a custard pie."
"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"
"Yes"
"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"
"No"
"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"
"Yes"
"Any pies then?"
"No"
"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll
wait."
"Just a minute.." <several minutes pass> "Okay, I'm back."
"Did you get hit by another pie?"
"Of course not"
"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like
things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again,
please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling
the Brussels Police Department.
There once was a young person named Little Red
Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare
plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to
study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as
"mother," although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have
thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she
was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water
to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled
for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the
woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a
special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each
other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an
oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for
animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed
that would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to
independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or
incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any
of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health."
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to
her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding
Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a
patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence
believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt
that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come
out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the
path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her
basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident
in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialog with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of
solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through
these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will
ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of
which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid world view. Now, if
you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded toward her Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear,
Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a
predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's
nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some
cruelty-free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous--er--what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in
to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specialist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate
for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and
opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.
"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I
let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which
would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance
exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI
sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a
sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been
dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And
now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes"
contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life
Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual
security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their
cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in
Redmond, WA)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines
Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern,
Microsoft IIS Development team)
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for
company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere
with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you
solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for
a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor,
Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)
7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed
corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk
I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg.
executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he
said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then
asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for
me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it
with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you
that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft,
Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was
working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it
tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr.,
Hallmark Cards)
13.As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's
training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned
the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I
routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office,
and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked
why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in
her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired,
with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly
reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the
definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days
later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be
found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I
resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting
words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14.This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company:" Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!"
Thank heavens! A burning theological dilemma appears to
have been resolved.
It has long been known that, according to Revelation 21:8, the maximum possible
temperature of hell is equal to the boiling point of brimstone, known to chemists as
sulfur, which is 445 C (833 F) at normal pressure.
In 1972, an unnamed environmental physicist (Applied Optics 11(8), 1972, p.A14) used some
data for heaven (or, technically, the future location of the people of Jehovah) from
Isaiah 30:26 for the well-known Stefan-Boltzmann fourth-power law for radiation. The
Stefan-Boltzmann equation relates temperature to blackbody radiant energy. From the
equation, the temperature of heaven was calculated to be 525 C (1067 F).
For over twenty-five years the implication that heaven is literally "hotter than
hell" has been a disconcerting dilemma to both theologians and the laity (see Time
magazine, 21 August 1972).
However, reporting in the July issue of Physics Today (p.96), Jorge Mira Perez and Jose
Vina from the University of Santiago in Spain re-examined the original calculation and
determine that the data had been based on a "seven times seven" translation of
the Isaiah verse, rather than the actual "seven times" (sevenfold) intensity.
The correct translation was confirmed by Eugenio Romero Pose, the auxiliary Roman Catholic
bishop of Madrid.
Therefore, the total radiation from the moon and sun falling on heaven is 8 times greater
than radiation falling on Earth from the sun in Isaiah's (and our) time. Using an
Earth surface temperature of 25 C (77 F), the corrected temperature of heaven was
calculated to be 231 C (450 F).
So the traditional belief is correct -- at 1067 F, hell is definitely much hotter than
heaven.
- you define summer as three months of bad sledding
- your definition of a small town is one that has only one bar
- snow tires come standard on all of your cars
- at least 25% of your relatives work on a dairy farm
- you have gotten frostbitten and sunburned on the same weekend (Camping On Memorial Day
Anyone?!?!?!?)
- you can identify a Michigan accent
- You know what cow-tipping is
- You learned to drive a tractor before you took the training wheels off your bike
- "down-south" means Chicago
- traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee
- the "Big-Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee, and Pabst Blue Ribbon
- a brat is something you eat
- you don't gag on a sip of Point Beer...(extra credit if you've tried it on your
breakfast cereal)
- you think Deer Season is an official school holiday
- you know that an Eau Claire is not something you eat
- You can pronounce and spell Oconomowoc - extra credit if you can say it backwards
- you know what a bubbler is
- your idea of creative landscaping is a pair of kissing Dutch kids next to your Blue
Spruce
- you think "Eat Cheese, or die!" should be the state motto
- a Friday nite out is taking your girl out to shine deer, after a fish fry
- you know how to polka, and enjoy it
- formal wear is a tucked in flannel shirt
The European Commission has just announced an
agreement that English will be the official language of the EU - rather than German (the
other possibility). As part of the negotations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English Spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in of new
rules which would apply to the language and reclassify it as EuroEnglish.
The agreed plan is as follows:
In year 1, the soft 'c' would replaced by the 's'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil
servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be replaced by 'k'. This should klear up
konfusion and keyboards kan now have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' is
replaced by 'f'. This will reduse 'fotograf' by 20%.
In the 3d year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the
stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent
to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e's in the
language is disgrasful and they should eliminat them.
By year 4, peopl wil be reseptiv to lingwistik korektions such as replasing 'th' with 'z'
and 'w' with 'v' (saving mor keyboard spas).
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar
changes vud of kors be applied to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil have a reli sensibil riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or
difikultis and evrirum vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!.
With the Christmas season approaching, please look into your heart to help those in
need.
Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in our very own country are
living at or just below the seven-figure salary level (what an Atrocious situation!) And,
as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a
whole year--as a result of the current lock-out situation.
But now, you can help!
For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen
projection TV) you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time
of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the yearly
league minimum, ...but it's a start!
Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could
mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.
For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent or mortgage payments.
But to a basketball player, $700 will almost replace his daily salary.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home
entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in
Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor.
Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment
holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to
invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for
this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned - for a signed photo,
please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of
other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in
a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect
calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for
unexpected expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star (Higher cost)
[ ] Superstar (Much higher cost)
[ ] Entire team [Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team
(Cheerleaders not included.)]
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.
Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for a reserve player or starter for
the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along
with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my
lapel.
Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number: _______________________
Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover
Signature: _______________________
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone.
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in
person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail,
or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much
too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations.
Contributions are NOT tax-deductible.
Lets all pitch in and do our part.
(Horoscope for Southerners)
It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have
served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll
see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me
there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too
obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers
and no damn water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO,
what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night
sky.
SCROLL DOWN TO YOUR BIRTH DATE!
OKRA Dec 22 -Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous
influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence
everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN Jan 21 -Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking
about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's
motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very
careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really
terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time
rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 -Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you
feel the need to bore deep into the nterior of everything. Needless to say, you are very
intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to
marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE Mar 21 -Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize
the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key
words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's
not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM Apr 21 -May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and
develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude. Sometimes you become so
withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not
psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and
you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH May 22 -Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water
cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains,the pool to the golf course, the
bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you
have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS Jun 22-Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot"
of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good
social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes,
if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of
heartache.
CATFISH Jul 24 -Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may
cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer
the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away
from Moon Pies.
GRITS Aug 24 -Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a
big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about
joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or
butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you
well.
BOILED PEANUTS Sep 24 -Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you
best--your friends and loved ones--may find that your personality is much too salty, and
their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than
you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain
way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always
pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 -Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a
Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no
matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have
anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO Nov 23 -Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good
evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a
throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned
with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior
patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat
kinky, mating possibility.
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
Merry Christmas!
While on our church's Organ committee, I had the chance to look at some midi accessories for organ. Some of the voices hardly seemed appropriate for a church (like the helicopter rotor and the gunfire), but they did inspire me to think of an alternate set of midi voices for church organ that in my own way express how the electronic instrument might be better equipped for practical church use.
| 1=Plumbhorn 2=Plumbtired 3=Gedanken Flute 4=Frugalhorn 5=Blocked Gerpipen 6=Key Click 7=Weisenheimer 8=Lost Chord 9=Vox Populi 10=Vox Porcine 11=Vox Mob 12=Tutti Flutti 13=Semper Flute 14=Post Horn 15=Crummyhorn 16=Fusenblowen 17=Annoying Pop 18=Feedback 19=Organist Interruptis 20=Stuckflute 21=Organist Screaming 22=Fenderbender 23=Stopped Drain 24=Plastic Flute 25=Penny Whistle 26=Aneroxic Soprano 27=Tubular Bass 28=Orchestral Ocarina 29=Stopped Traffic 30=Telephone 31=Honkeytonk Telephone 32=Electronic Telephone 33=Busy Signal 34=Undulation 35=Faster 36=Flat Recorder 37=Sharp Recorder 38=Tape Recorder 39=Tinkle 40=Rah Rah 41=Attaboy 42=Hiss 43=EBS Test 44=Silence 45=Pin Drop 46=Slide Whistle 47=Police Whistle 48=Wet Whistle 49=Drawbar Organ 50=Broken Hammond Organ 51=Sizzle 52=Peace Pipe 53=Carhorn 54=Steerhorn 55=Hawaiian Guitar 56=Plucked String 57=Plucked Chicken 58=Pit Stop 59=Random Note 60=AC Hum 61=Geekspeak 62=Box Humana 63=Aha Choir 64=Oho Choir |
65=Poorly Tempered Clavier 66=Box Flute 67=Box Trumpet 68=Loudenhorn 69=Doesn't Work 70=Ripe Flute 71=Contra Piccolo 72=Pickle'O 73=On Strike 74=Lub Dub 75=Applause 76=Floorcreak 77=Drag Race 78=Flagella 79=Fragilehorn 80=Flatulence 81=One hand clapping 82=Theremin 83=Cheese Whiz 84=Tuloudenhorn 85=Posthumushorn 86=Moosehorn 87=Tiger Roar 88=4-way Stop 89=Air Horn 90=Air Brake 91=5 Min Break 92=Light Rain 93=Heavy Rain 94=Roof Leak 95=Cash Register 96=Treble Snore 97=Bass Snore 98="Hi Mom!" 99=Morse Dot 100=Morse Dash 101=The Last Trumpet 102=Bleep 103=Stuck Pig 104=Untuned Piano 105=Overbown Flute 106=Dog Whistle 107=Poppastern 108=Musket 109=Muskrat 110=Cracked Bells 111=Cat in Heat 112=Wolf Howl 113=Wolf Whistle 114=Doo Wah, Doo Wah 115=D'Oh! 116=This Stop for Rent 117=Modem connect 118=Squashhorn 119=Purr 120="Fore!" 121=Sonic Boom 122=Drum Roll 123=Yeast Roll 124=Tuna Flute (you can tune a piano but you can't...) 125=Francophone 126=BlatHorn 127=Shhh! 128=Last Stop for 100 mi. |
Please accept with no obligation,
implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially
responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of
your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all ...
AND
A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of
the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for
the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make
America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or
is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the
wishee.
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to
clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original
greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole
discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement
of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)
Of course, your mileage may vary ....
TOKYO (AP) The recent craze for hydrogen beer is at the
heart of a three way lawsuit between unemployed stockbroker Toshira Otoma, the Tike-Take
karaoke bar and the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr. Otoma is suing the bar and the brewery for
selling toxic substances and is claiming damages for grievous bodily harm leading to the
loss of his job. The bar is countersuing for defamation and loss of customers.
The Asaka Beer corporation brews "Suiso" brand beer, where the carbon dioxide
normally used to add fizz has been replaced by the more environmentally friendly hydrogen
gas. A side effect of this has made the beer extremely popular at karaoke sing-along bars
and discotheques.
Hydrogen, like helium, is a gas lighter than air. Because hydrogen molecules are lighter
than air, sound waves are transmitted more rapidly; individuals whose lungs are filled
with the nontoxic gas can speak with an uncharacteristically high voice. Exploiting this
quirk of physics, chic urbanites can now sing soprano parts on karaoke sing-along machines
after consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.
The flammable nature of hydrogen has also become another selling point, even though Asaka
has not acknowledged that this was a deliberate marketing ploy.
It has inspired a new fashion of blowing flames from one's mouth using a cigarette as an
ignition source. Many new karaoke videos feature singers shooting blue flames in slow
motion, while flame contests take place in pubs everywhere. "Mr. Otoma has no-one to
blame but himself. If he had not become drunk and disorderly, none of this would have
happened. Our security guards undergo the most careful screening and training before they
are allowed to deal with customers" said Mr. Takashi Nomura, Manager of the Tike-Take
bar.
"Mr. Otoma drank fifteen bottles of hydrogen beer in order to maximize the size of the
flames he could belch during the contest. He catapulted balls of fire across the room that
Gojira would be proud of, but this was not enough to win him first prize since the
judgment is made on the quality of the flames and that of the singing, and after fifteen
bottles of lager he was badly out of tune."
"He took exception to the result and hurled blue fireballs at the judge, singeing the
front of Mrs. Mifune's hair, entirely removing her eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the
clothes of two nearby customers. None of these people have returned to my bar. When our
security staff approached he turned his attentions to them, making it almost impossible to
approach him. Our head bouncer had no choice but to hurl himself at Mr. Otoma's knees,
knocking his legs from under him."
"The laws of physics are not to be disobeyed, and the force that propelled Mr Otoma's
legs backwards also pivoted around his centre of gravity and moved his upper body forward
with equal velocity. It was his own fault he had his mouth open for the next belch, his
own fault he held a lighted cigarette in front of it and it is own fault he swallowed that
cigarette."
"The Tike-Take bar takes no responsibility for the subsequent internal combustion,
rupture of his stomach lining, nor the third degree burns to his esophagus, larynx and
sinuses as the exploding gases forced their way out of his body. His consequential
muteness and loss of employment are his own fault."
Mr. Otoma was unavailable for comment.
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster that an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...are the least useful professions (professional athletes, movie actors & entertainers) paid so disproportionally much compared to people with normal jobs... (uh, acting is actually pretty hard work - just thought I'd throw that in)
Only in America...do people buy domestic brand tires, because they want to "buy American," and install them on their imported cars...
Only in America...the budgets for advertising non-essential items, like soft drinks, exceed the economies of many third-world nations...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well. "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood sucking creatures..."
Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion.
Degrees (Fahrenheit)
* 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
* 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
* 50 Miami residents turn on the heat
* 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
* 40 You can see your breath
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Minnesotans go swimming
* 35 Italian cars don't start
* 32 Water freezes
* 30 You plan your vacation to Australia
* 25 Ohio water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Minnesotans eat ice cream
* Canadians go swimming
* 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* New York City water freezes
* Miami residents plan vacation further South
* 15 French cars don't start
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
* 5 American cars don't start
* 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
* -10 German cars don't start
* Eyes freeze shut when you blink
* -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
* Miami residents cease to exist
* -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
* Japanese cars don't start
* -25 Too cold to think
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* -30 You plan a two week hot bath
* Swedish cars don't start
* -40 Californians disappear
* Minnesotans button top button
* Canadians put on sweaters
* Your car helps you plan your trip South
* -50 Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* -80 Hell freezes over
* Polar bears move South
* Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
* -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
We are pleased to announce winners of the fourth Bad
Writing Contest, sponsored by the electronic discussion list, _Philosophy and Literature_.
The Bad Writing Contest celebrates the most stylistically lamentable passages found in
scholarly books and articles published in the last few years. Ordinary journalism,
fiction, departmental memos, etc. are not eligible, nor are parodies: entries must be
non-ironic, from serious, published academic journals or books. Deliberate parody cannot
be allowed in a field where unintended self-parody is so widespread.
Two of the most popular and influential literary scholars in the U.S. are among those who
wrote winning entries in the latest contest.
Judith Butler, a Guggenheim Fellowship-winning professor of rhetoric and comparative
literature at the University of California at Berkeley, admired as perhaps "one of
the ten smartest people on the planet," wrote the sentence that captured the
contest's first prize. Homi K. Bhabha, a leading voice in the fashionable academic field
of postcolonial studies, produced the second-prize winner.
"As usual," commented Denis Dutton, editor of Philosophy and Literature,
"this year's winners were produced by well-known, highly-paid experts who have no
doubt labored for years to write like this. That these scholars must know what they are
doing is indicated by the fact that the winning entries were all published by
distinguished presses and academic journals."
Professor Butler's first-prize sentence appears in "Further Reflections on the
Conversations of Our Time," an article in the scholarly journal Diacritics (1997):
"The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure
social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power
relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question
of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of
Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in
which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed
conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the
rearticulation of power."
Dutton remarked that "it's possibly the anxiety-inducing obscurity of such writing
that has led Professor Warren Hedges of Southern Oregon University to praise Judith Butler
as `probably one of the ten smartest people on the planet'."
This year's second prize went to a sentence authored by Homi K. Bhabha, a professor of
English at the University of Chicago. He writes in The Location of Culture (Routledge,
1994):
"If, for a while, the ruse of desire is calculable for the uses of discipline soon
the repetition of guilt, justification, pseudo-scientific theories, superstition, spurious
authorities, and classifications can be seen as the desperate effort to
"normalize" formally the disturbance of a discourse of splitting that violates
the rational, enlightened claims of its enunciatory modality."
This prize-winning entry was nominated by John D. Peters of the University of Iowa, who
describes it as "quite splendid: enunciatory modality, indeed!"
Ed Lilley, an art historian at the University of Bristol in the U.K., supplied a sentence
by Steven Z. Levine from an anthology entitled Twelve Views of Manet's "Bar"
(Princeton University Press, 1996):
"As my story is an august tale of fathers and sons, real and imagined, the biography
here will fitfully attend to the putative traces in Manet's work of "les noms du
père," a Lacanian romance of the errant paternal phallus ("Les Non-dupes
errent"), a revised Freudian novella of the inferential dynamic of paternity which
annihilates (and hence enculturates) through the deferred introduction of the third term
of insemination the phenomenologically irreducible dyad of the mother and child."
Stewart Unwin of the National Library of Australia passed along this gem from the
Australasian Journal of American Studies (December 1997).
The author is Timothy W. Luke, and the article is entitled, "Museum Pieces: Politics
and Knowledge at the American Museum of Natural History":
"Natural history museums, like the American Museum, constitute one decisive means for
power to de-privatize and re-publicize, if only ever so slightly, the realms of death by
putting dead remains into public service as social tokens of collective life, rereading
dead fossils as chronicles of life's everlasting quest for survival, and canonizing now
dead individuals as nomological emblems of still living collectives in Nature and History.
An anatomo-politics of human and non-human bodies is sustained by accumulating and
classifying such necroliths in the museum's observational/expositional performances."
The passage goes on to explain that museum fossils and artifacts are "strange
superconductive conduits, carrying the vital elan of contemporary biopower." It's
demonstrated with helpful quotations from Michel Foucault's History of Sexuality.
Finally, a tour de force from a 1996 book published by the State University of New York
Press. It was located by M.J. Devaney, an editor at the University of Nebraska Press. The
author is D.G. Leahy, writing in Foundation: Matter the Body Itself.
"Total presence breaks on the univocal predication of the exterior absolute the
absolute existent (of that of which it is not possible to univocally predicate an outside,
while the equivocal predication of the outside of the absolute exterior is possible of
that of which the reality so predicated is not the reality, viz., of the dark/of the self,
the identity of which is not outside the absolute identity of the outside, which is to say
that the equivocal predication of identity is possible of the self-identity which is not
identity, while identity is univocally predicated of the limit to the darkness, of the
limit of the reality of the self). This is the real exteriority of the absolute outside:
the reality of the absolutely unconditioned absolute outside univocally predicated of the
dark: the light univocally predicated of the darkness: the shining of the light univocally
predicated of the limit of the darkness: actuality univocally predicated of the other of
self-identity: existence univocally predicated of the absolutely unconditioned other of
the self. The precision of the shining of the light breaking the dark is the
other-identity of the light. The precision of the absolutely minimum transcendence of the
dark is the light itself/the absolutely unconditioned exteriority of existence for the
first time/the absolutely facial identity of existence/the proportion of the new creation
sans depth/the light itself ex nihilo: the dark itself univocally identified, i.e., not
self-identity identity itself equivocally, not the dark itself equivocally, in
"self-alienation," not "self-identity, itself in self-alienation"
"released" in and by "otherness," and "actual other,"
"itself," not the abysmal inversion of the light, the reality of the darkness
equivocally, absolute identity equivocally predicated of the self/selfhood equivocally
predicated of the dark (the reality of this darkness the other-self-covering of identity
which is the identification person-self)."
Dr. Devaney calls this book "absolutely, unequivocally incomprehensible." While
she has supplied further extended quotations to prove her point, this seems to be enough.
The next round of the Bad Writing Contest, results to be announced at the end of 1999, is
now open. There is an endless ocean of pretentious, turgid academic prose being added to
daily, and we'll continue to honor it.
Prof. Denis Dutton
Editor, Philosophy and Literature
University of Canterbury, Christchurch, New Zealand
The following are actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations:
Ole noticed his friend, Sven, walking down the street
with a lantern in his hand. "vhere are you going vid dat lantern?" inquired Ole.
"I'm going courting," Sven answered. "Courting?" Ole Snorted. "I
didn't carry no lantern vhen I vent courting." "Yah," said Sven,"and
look vot you GOT!
One day Sven was at the store and was talking with a gentleman when he said, "Ya
know, I really don't know what I should get Ole for our anniversary. I mean lefse is
getting kind of old for a gift again."
"Well what did you get her last time?" asked the guy.
"I took her on a trip to Germany," replied Sven.
"Well, mabey you should take her on another trip," suggested the guy.
Then Sven thinks for a while and then says happily, "I know the perfect gift! I'll
send her a airline ticket so she can come back!"
Sven and Ole were building a house. Sven was holding a board and Ole was sawing it. All of
a sudden, the saw slipped and cut off one of Sven's ears. They both were digging through
the sawdust to find it, and Ole picked up an ear. Ole says," Is this it? And Sven
says, "Naw, mine had a pencil behind it."
Sven had been working for years to finish his big new house, so it was a real community
tragedy when it went up in flames. Sirens went off at the firehouse; fire trucks went
racing to the scene; but it was too late -- his lovely new house was engulfed in flames.
Yet Sven met the firefighters with a smile and a handshake, helped them with their
fire hoses and other equipment, and otherwise behaved more like the genial host at a
housewarming (pardon the pun) than someone whose life's possessions were going up in
smoke. One of the firefighters said to Sven, "Sir, I have to say, for someone who's
just lost his house, you're taking this very well." Sven just grinned and
slapped the firefighter on the back. "Vy should I be so upset about dis house? I
still got enough extra lumber stored up in da attic to build me a whole _'nodder_
one!"
Sven remarked "I got this great new hearing aid the other day." "Are
you wearing it now?" asked Ole. "Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars,
though. But it's top of the line." "What kind is it?" Ole wanted to
know. "Oh,...." (Sven looking at his left wrist) "it's
twelve-thirty."
Lena comes home all excited, "Ole, the doctor says I am pregnant, your going to be a
Papa. But there is some sad news, the doctors says our child won't be Norwegian."
"How can that be Lena?" "I don't know Ole, but the doctor
insists, that our child will be Caesarian."
For reasons far too complex to describe here, Lena and Ole's friends convinced them to see
a sex therapist in Milwaukee. On their first appointment, the therapist began with a long
series of questions, one of which was "Do you have mutual orgasms?" Ole
and Lena looked at each other quizzically for a moment, and replied, "No, ve haff
Lutheran Brotherhood!"
A. Any acolyte found to be in illegal motion will be assessed a 5-yard penalty or the
loss of a candle.
B. Offering plates may be lateraled; the peace may be passed
C. The liturgist may hand-off to the Lay Reader for the Lessons, provided changes in
audible signs are clearly given.
D. A sermon in excess of 18 minutes will be regarded as "Delay of Service" and
the preacher may lose possession of the pulpit.
E. Gate receipts may be gathered during the half-time show.
F. Ushers may blitz either the liturgist or preacher only during announcements.
G. Unconfirmed communicants (ineligible receivers) may be placed on wafers.
H. The liturgist may be awarded 3 points for correctly announcing the Super Bowl Sunday
alternative title: Conversion of St. Paul.
Prior to the Entrance Hymn, the pastors will toss a coin. The winner may elect to be
the preacher or liturgist; the loser may elect to defend the pulpit or lectern.
THE ENTRANCE HYMN
"A Multitude Comes From the East and West"
THE LESSONS
Ex. 14:22 Israelites make quarterback sneak across the Red Sea
Eph. 6:14-17 Suiting up in the proper equipment
Matt 28:16-20 Sending out the team
THE HYMN OF THE DAY
"Pass It On"
THE SERMON
(Play by play of God's Game Plan)
HALFTIME ACTIVITIES
THE DISTRIBUTION
If the Pastor is trapped behind the communion railing, the laity score a safety and the
remainder of the service will be played out on the chancel steps.
THE 2-MINUTE WARNING
(played by the chimes)
THE BENEDICTION and CLOSING CHEERS
----------------------------------------------------------------------
* The above service was assembled under the leadership of Dr. Harvey Foonman, ex offico
advisor to Lutheran Worship.
A Minnesota Guide to Computer Lingo
LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: don't add no more vood
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
MEGA HERTZ: vhen da big logdrops on your barefoot in da morning
FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from pilingk too much vood
RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork
HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas durng da snow season
ENTER: come on in
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero
SCREEN: vhat you gotta fix on da windows during black fly season
CHIP: vhat you munch during Vikings games
MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone
MODEM: vhat ya did toda hay fields last Yuly
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix' vife
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to hang da keys so da Missus can find em
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard
MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof
PORT: vhere da commercial fishin guys tie up dere boats
DOCKING STATION: da same as PORT
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen
da vife ask about it
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ YHVH
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no
obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all
that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that
apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Palmistry
___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Bill Clinton
___ Tea leaves
___ EST
___ CompuServe
___ Mantras
___ Jimmy Swaggert
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering in a desert
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Barney T.B.P.D. (the big purple dinosaur)
___ Barney Fife
___ Other:___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of
felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 God's handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory,
5=excellent):
Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's
services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
**********************************************
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently
located drop-off boxes by February 28th you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of
Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d
power, depending on number of beings entered).
The Top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say, ever, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter how far from the South they’ve wandered, and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex
38. Elvis who?
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog
32. I thought Graceland was tacky
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe
30. Wrasslin’s fake
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who’s Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds
22. Deer heads detract from the decor
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today
19. Trim the fat off the steak
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
17. The tires on that truck are too big
16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad
15. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
9. Checkmate
8. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of Hee Haw that we haven’t seen
5. I don’t have a favorite college team
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer
1. Duct tape won’t fix that
After much careful research it has been discovered that
the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother...........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt .................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes......................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store...Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white......Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois...................... .Chica Gogh
His magician uncle..............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin..............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousins American half brother.......Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .............Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle ..........................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt.......................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle............................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst........................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.........................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking............Wayto Gogh
The little nephew...............................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco........................Ahgo Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van..Winnie B. Gogh.
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed
bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains
just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally,
a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit
in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied
it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going
too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.
Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short
distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed
trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer
that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and
you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to
pass."
Dining Out
***** When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so
as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
***** If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the
label.
Entertaining In Your Home
***** A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
***** Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
***** While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in
private using one's OWN truck keys.
***** Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
***** However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
***** Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract
from a woman's jewelry and
alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating
(Outside the Family)
***** Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
***** Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out
with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
***** Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM;
Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's
responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
***** Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie
has ended.
***** Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear
you.
Weddings
***** Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
***** Kissing the bride for longer than 5 seconds can get you shot.
***** For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean
bowling shirt can create
a tacky appearance.
***** Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
Driving Etiquette
***** Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the
deer is in sight.
***** When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the
right of way.
***** Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
***** When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to
bring back beer.
***** Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips For All Occasions
***** Never take a beer to a job interview.
***** Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
***** It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
***** If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
***** Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal
says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've
roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I
just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the
river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald
on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are
friars!"
One day Ole drops dead. Lena is really upset, and finally
goes to see a psychic. The psychic dims the lights and peers into her crystal ball.
"I'm trying to contact the spirit of Ole Swensen," she chants. "Ole
Swensen, I summon you forth. . . ." The wind ruffles the curtains, the candles
flicker, and there's a quiet voice. "Yes?" says the voice. "Who's calling
me?" Lena can't believe her ears. "Ole!?" she gasps. "Is that
you?" "It sure is, honey," says the voice. "How are you?" "Oh,
I'm fine, Ole, but. . . how are you? Is it, uh, warm where you are?" "Oh, it's
very nice here," says Ole. "But it's not what I expected." "Not what
you expected, dear? What do you mean? What's it like?" "Well, let's see.
. . I get up in the morning, have something to eat, and have sex. Then I walk around a
little bit and have some more sex. Then I take a nap, have sex, and eat lunch. After
lunch, I walk around some more, have sex, take another nap, have sex again, and then it's
time for dinner. Then after dinner, I'll have sex and then it's bed time."
There's a
long pause. "Gee, Ole," Lena says finally, "that's not at all what I
thought heaven was going to be like! "Ole replies, "Who said anything about
heaven? I'm a bull in Wyoming!"
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day
parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman
but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to
talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think
of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want
without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition-even if you haven't
been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to
speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's
first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a
woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one
at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from else where in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the
fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most
revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though
their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to
finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual
range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering
wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know
exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the
steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any
invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your
enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a
concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion
will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are
deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds-unless it's the door to
a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an
eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that
precise moment.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
Darwin awards are given to those people who did the gene pool a favor by dying during the year.
GRAVITY KILLS... A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to
use octopus straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a
70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County (Virginia) police said Eric A.
Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around
one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit
the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was
alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled
was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An
autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
****************************************
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ... Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming
forth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real
problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a
several-hundred-thousand-gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes
were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt,
countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their
respective seats.
****************************************
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT... A lawyer and two of his buddies were
fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman
immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear
of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up,
spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE
IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. (Well, wouldn't you?) The other two passengers
on the boat survived.
****************************************
CATCH!... A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal, you may say, but there's
a twist here that makes him a Darwin Award candidate. It seems he and a friend were
playing "catch" with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The
friend (a future Darwin Award candidate) was hospitalized.
****************************************
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU . . . Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow,
but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by
his cell phone, more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when
he walked into a tree and managed somehow to break his neck. Keep that in mind the next
time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
****************************************
GIMME A LIGHT!... Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized
warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition - lights, power, etc. After the building
had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering
the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration,
none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians
reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of
it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the
explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
****************************************
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane
approached. It appears they decided to "moon" the occupants of the other plane,
but lost control of the plane and crashed. They were all
found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
*****************************************
AP) LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the name of a Pacoima man who was
found dead yesterday after responding to complaints from neighbors that a bad smell was
coming from his apartment. Upon entering the apartment, officers were surprised to see
that every square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the
toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from magazines. "The visual effect
was very unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. "Because
everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended and a doorway
began." The surprises did not end there, however. Police described the man as having
"concocted a wire frame around his head" upon which he had taped various
pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without ever
losing his close-up view of nude bodies. Small slits had been cut into the paper so he
could find his way, but according to Hradj, "He had almost no peripheral vision. He
could barely see a thing." The man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a
hanging lamp. "We think he had been dusting," said another police officer,
"because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become
caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling." The man allegedly choked to
death trying to extricate himself from his predicament. According to his apartment
manager, the white male in his mid-30's never left his apartment, and had food delivered
weekly. Funeral services are planned for next week. His next of kin requested that his
name be withheld.
****************************************
A young Inuit man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money to
buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and
he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.
****************************************
A 27 year-old French woman lost control over her car on a highway near Marseilles and
crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing her. As a commonplace
road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination were it not for the
fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi keyring, which had
started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting to press the correct
buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost the control and hit the tree causing
a severe head trauma.
25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O.J. Simpson
24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the Sierra Club
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES-by Bill Clinton
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone
says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now
you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack in the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate,
married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6
children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deap Schitt
and Dip Schitt.
Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted
Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous
name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken
Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in
the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son,
left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa
Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
By: Crock O. Schitt
The Man Who Ordered Three Beers
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly
orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers,
which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a
time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three
Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I
don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three
beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and
one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would
always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family
bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders
Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent
that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a
heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The
word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all,
want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and
all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two
brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking
for Lent."
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called
"Holes?"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents
in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car
not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be
that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can
be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked
and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you
will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to
be sure?
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of
production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set
"C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is
the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this
way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no
wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How
much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80?
Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company out sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for
its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger
employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan
and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was out sourcing a good
move?
Teaching Math in 1998:
A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed
marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16
executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the
premises collecting his kickback. Was out sourcing the loggers a good move for the
company?
Teaching Math in 1999:
A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained
as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the
automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?
Why did chicken cross the road ???
TEACHER: To get the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is in the nature of chicken to cross roads.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
ANDERSSON CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
threatening
it's dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to
create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Anderson
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking
it's physical distribution strategy and implementation process. Using the Poultry
Information Model (PIM), Anderson helped the chicken to use it's skills, methodologies,
knowledge, capital and experience to align the chicken's people, processes and technology
in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Anderson
Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along
with Anderson Consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage
in a two day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital,
both tacit and explicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing
an enterprise-wide
value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was
held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was
strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified
market message aligned with chicken's mission, vision and core values. Anderson Consulting
helped the chicken become more successful. We also charged a lot of money for stating the
obvious.
LOUIS FARAKAN: The road, you see represents the black man. The chicken
"crossed" the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
FOX MULDER (X-files): You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross the road for you to believe it ?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken DID NOT cross
the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why ? The end of
crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurities.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000 (with Internet Seed
Explorer), which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents and balance your checkbook.
DARWIN: Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way
that they are genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken,
depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one ?
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell
Honeychild.
Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner
Cracker.
W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New
company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine.
3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera.
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants.
Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott
NOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company will be called Zip Audi
Do-Da.
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual
trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel
the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even
more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give
birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to
the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When
he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was
nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had
eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door
and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very
cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful
tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
The following is a genuine hoot. This was an actual letter sent to Ryan De Vries from
The Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read
this guy's response - but read the entire letter before you get to the response.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
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Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. De Vries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of environmental Quality that there has
been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have
been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of
Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the
Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a
recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams
of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream
to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please
notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site
inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any
further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in
this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RESPONSE
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. First of all,
Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized)
process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural
building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time
and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever
match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do
not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the
start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond
Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of
Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam
permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of
Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection
Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal
representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay
for said representation so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain
event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is
required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream
"restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if
you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter
being unable to read English) - be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me,
I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam
builders. If you want to hurt these dam
beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If
your dam department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly
will not permit their existence in this State, I seriously hope you are not selectively
enforcing this dam policy or once again both the Spring Pond Beavers and I will scream
prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized
dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have
more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural
Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural
resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I
are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right
now. why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality
(health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods.
I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not
careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable
to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your day
office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get
there.
Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this" and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and
disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to
use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the
heck is this?"
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling
Stone".
A new IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He assumed there were some unreported revenues somewhere, and was determined to find them.
He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the synagogue did with the wax
drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles. The Rabbi, pleased to show the
auditor that nothing went to waste, responded
that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the temple new
candles.
"What about the crumbs from the matzoh you eat at Passover?" asked the IRS auditor. "Simple," the Rabbi responded. "We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzoh bakery and they send us matzoh meal."
All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?" "That's easy, too," said the Rabbi. "We send them to Washington, DC, and they send us back little pricks like you."
Unlike the other jokes on this page, this story is true.
My friend and I went to the lunch counter and the waitress gave us one check for the
meal. When we went to pay, I said:
"I had the chicken finger plate with the cherry Pepsi". The amount was totaled
and I paid. Then I said:
"My friend had the Filet Minion with the Vegetable Medley, the Chateau Rothschild 1957
and the Chocolate Mousse."
Then my friend said:
"Hey wait! You didn't bring me the Chocolate Mousse."
To which the waitress replied (without missing a beat):
"I'm sorry sir, but we couldn't get him through the back door."
Once upon a time there was a raven sitting in an oak tree beside the road
with a cheese in its beak. A crafty fox came by and said to the raven: "You are
a beautiful bird, a princess of birds. I imagine that you sing as beautifully as
you look. Let me hear you!" The flattered raven opened it's beak to sing and the
cheese fell to the ground where it was snapped up by the fox.
As this was happening, two snakes happened to be slithering down the road and
saw the whole thing. One snake, named Sssssam said to his companion,
Sssssshermon, "do we eat cheese?" Sssssshermon replied that snakes can eat
anything even something bigger than their head! So Sssssam said, "watch this!"
Sssssam said to the fox, "you're a pretty clever fellow, I bet you would enjoy a
good joke. There were these two snakes slithering down the road and one said to
the other 'are we poisonous?' to which the other replied, 'I don't know--why do
you ask?' The first said 'I bit my lip'". At that the fox doubled over with
laughter and dropped the cheese. Sssssshermon snatched up the cheese and
slithered into the underbrush, but Sssssam enjoying his own joke, and finding
the fox's laughter contagious, began laughing too. The fox, when he saw that he
had lost his cheese, quickly lost his sense of humor. The fox lunged at Sssssam,
killing him instantly. He thought, "snake is better than cheese anyway--tastes
like chicken, and besides, the cheese had probably gone bad".
A priest and a rabbi stood by the road taking it all in. The priest after
consideration said, "this whole drama is a metaphor both for the weakness of
human character and the cruelty of life with profound lessons for how we ought
to live out our vocations." The rabbi just said, "I think that for both good
jokes and good fables, things should be kept simple."
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a
Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in
the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So,
do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in
back here," the Texan replies.
The light turns green and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy
in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a
customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives
all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas license
plates..
Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next
to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward
about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on he foggy
window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . .. you may choose any man from
a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back
down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband on the first floor the
sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good
looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth
floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good
looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous,
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to
stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the
building, and have a nice day!